Feeling mischevious

Camping sounds most excellent. I wish I was trekking through the Himalayan mountains again! Talk about roughing it. A wilderness adventure would be delicious. And wrestling someone bigger than me. Actually, a couple of guy friends and I decided awhile back that we'd like to start a fight club, and start it off by giving each other a good punch in the face. Honestly, I think this is a bad idea. But it'd be a hell of a lot of fun in its own way.

Jesus, I'm such a guy in so many ways. So glad to be the woman I am.

I made a boy feel bad about himself at the gym because I can deadlift more than he can. Mwaha. Not that I live to make other people feel badly about themselves by any means, but I mean, c'mon... a little satisfaction is okay in this situation, I think. >=) We also talked about the importance of balancing pushing vs. pulling exercises and the superior nature of Olympic weight-lifting vs. isolations. Ah, I love nerdy fitness/weight-lifting talk.

I'm diving back into working with the International Food Security Treaty Campaign again (www.treaty.org). Right now I'm just heading the campaign on networking websites, but I might end up getting involved in speaking with some of the local high schools/colleges if I can get myself organized.

Today rocks, by the way. Tonight's strength and conditioning class will kick my ass, and I'm looking forward to it. Stoked!

Quasimodo

A now distorted innocence that was once pure simplicity

has suddenly sprouted talons, a venomous mindset

that moans without cease, an endless susurrus of lies

birthing a self-made monster, a Quasimodo grotesque.

------------------------------

Just contemplating.  I wrote that in regards to many things.  I also wrote another huge-ass thing that I decided not to post.

I'm very grateful at this moment.  Humbled, and settled, and seeing with clarity.

I am so full of so much... stuff.  And so full of the important, meaningful things.  Too much stuff.

Time to do some cleaning.

Oh and, it's definitely time to go skydiving again.

for Love

Why do we do what we do?

What is the most just and justifiable way to live one's life?

For one's self. By fulfilling that burning need to live as one's heart demands. By living fully; living without regrets; living compassionately and passionately; living with strength, with loyalty, with faith, with honor; living consciously, appreciatively, as though each moment were the last; living beyond just your comforts, and embracing the world. We fulfill what we want fulfilled, and for those of us who look for more, we never stop searching. I've seen people justify their life by another person, or other people; I've seen people say their professions are their life; I've seen people say they live for their family; for their dreams; for their future. And I've known all of the happy people in my life and in history say at some point that they live for pure Love.

How much does love matter?

I am strong. I hope to lead a life where I take full advantage of that strength. I foresee myself in very trying situations, physically, mentally, emotionally. Within the next two years, I see myself spending a solid amount of time in an orphanage in Uganda or Tibet; I see myself moving to a new city on my own, without anybody to depend on but myself; I see myself continuing to strive towards my fitness goals; I see myself changing my mind a thousand times about what I want to do with this life that I have; I see my heart breaking, and I see myself keeping it open, keeping it from thickening, because my heart is what I am -- it's who I am. It's all I've actually got. And within the next several years, I foresee myself becoming an accomplished physician, or an accomplished writer, or an accomplished... something that helps people.

The truth is, ladies and gentlemen, that despite my great aspirations to be a typhoon-force in my lifetime, and despite my heroic shows of prowess and strength and confidence, I'm afraid.

Yes, yes. The great confession. I know all that I can be, all that I want to be. I know that I can face the world and take it on without anyone else to back me up. And the truth is, despite knowing this, I am afraid.

Now normally, I might want someone to be there for me. I might want someone to tell me, "Laura, it's going to fine." The truth is, I know this. I know I am afraid, and I know that that's perfect. I know that I feel more isolated the more people there are around me, and that's because I long for something more that is not present in my life. And the truth is, as much as I would love to have someone love and appreciate me for who and what I am, and not just what I can provide for them, I am not ready for it. I am afraid.

In a white-tiled bathroom, my face is pale and drawn in a single lamp's light. I look into my own eyes and know: I am truly alone. Not for lack of others loving me or caring for me, but because I am truly alone on this path. My lifestyle to come may be very trying, and I am prepared to live my life as a tool to create a more fulfilled future for many beyond myself while taking enjoyment from it. I would truly love to have a counterpart that feeds me in a limitless, soulful way, and I for him/her, a companion to share this incredible journey that is life. I also foresee that maybe I will be alone. That maybe no one will ever quite be fulfilled by me on a soulful level. That I can draw love from strong friendships and eternal family. I begin to think that the love that I imagine can exist between two people is but a lovely idea. Perhaps there is but fulfilling the other person's criteria, and viola: Love. Honestly, I don't believe that, though. I'm sure it's out there for the lucky couples that find it, and I bless them for it. It's strange... being alone, without being tied to someone intimately, I've felt love for another in a purer form than ever I have before in my life, and now I struggle between my appreciation for it and my desiring of it. I've teetered dangerously close to grasping too forcefully and nearly losing it. I treasure it above so much else, and appreciate its recipient beyond all else. My heart is my own, and I have given it unashamedly to someone who I don't want to expect anything from anymore. I will be content that that part of my heart will be a quiet, often unattended place: I can't control that. But I love with fierceness, and tranquility.

There's no self-pitying bullshit going on here. I do admit, I am afraid, I feel alone, and I am resigned. Life isn't always what I'd hoped it'd be. Maybe I'm an idealist that is just asking to have her ideals shattered. Life is tough. I'm strong, but I'm not always tough. It's time to be tough.

Eternal universe, I am open to you. I relinquish control. I don't want to try and have the right answers; I don't want to try and know what the right thing is anymore. Let my own arms about my body be the only embrace I need, and my own love of life and self be enough. Let each step I take be sure and steady, and may my eyes and mind and heart and spirit be clear and unadultered and ever-expanding. I want to laugh instead of cry, and cry only for the sheer beauty of everything. I am weary of isolated sorrows. I want to fully comprehend that everything is perfect. Everything is perfect. It's just as it needs to be at this moment. And I will inspire the necessary changes.

Here is my declaration to myself, for myself, and whoever reads this thing can be my witness(es):

I need no one but myself. I need no one but myself. I need no one but myself. I need nothing but myself. All the rest must be born from love in its purity, and not from grasping want.

I am so fucking afraid, and all the stronger for acknowledging it and moving towards it. Welcome into my heart, Fear, and know that you have no place here: Love is here, fortified by my awesome strength, and I will accept you and strip you of everything that you are. I imagine my knees and palms will be bloodied by the end of everything, but I also foresee a smile on my face and an inferno of joyous passion in my heart.

So again I ask: Why do we do what we do?

And the simple, pure answer: for Love.

The Dark Knight

All I have to say is: BADASS! And Heath Ledger was absolutely phenomenal as The Joker. Creepycreepycreepy.

Massage

I am so grateful for opportunities to pour positive, healing energy into other people that are open an receptive to it.  What a great reminder it is that there's a lot more going on outside of ourselves, and also a fantastic way to touch on connections with other people.

I gave two massages back-to-back today at the clinic after a few-month long break.  The first woman I worked on was a beautiful 60 year old woman that was just absolutely radiant and bubbly.  She's got a lot of post-menopausal issues -- fibromyalgia-like symptoms, mostly, as well as swelling around one of her patella.  Extremely tight traps, rhomboids and neck because of having a large chest.  It was a real pleasure to work on her, because she just had such beautiful energy and was very receptive.

The second guy was a wreck.  Recent knee surgery on his left knee has caused his right knee to swell up and inflame due to overcompensation (it was a knee sort of day), and his right shoulder had been operated on due to rotator cuff issues.  Also, his friend jumped on his back and screwed up the right side of his back.  I got to learn some interesting methods of actually massaging the subscapularis from the instructor that was walking about, so that was pretty awesome.  I also learned a lot of ways to work on a fucked-up knee, since the knee usually gets that way due to a combination of tight quads/hamstrings/tibialis anterior and tendons.  I noticed one of the tendons in his hamstrings would hyperextend when I bent his left knee, too.  Anyway, crazy massages for my first time back in a few months, but I got tipped $30 between the two, which is way more than the usual $3-$5 you normally get in a massage clinic.

More importantly though, I was able to get outside of myself and really drop into a blissed-out state of being, and focus on giving rather than on my own current issues.  It's just so important to not always be egocentric and self-focused... giving can be as beneficial to the giver as it is for the receiver.   I'm also relieved because my cat, who's been hospitalized for the last few days, has finally made a turn for the better... I was preparing myself there for the worse.   All very good news!  I hope I can get some sleep tonight, though. 

Rawr.

I'm frustrated.

I wrote out why I'm frustrated, and then I realized: no one needs to hear it.  We've all got our frustrations at times.  I just wish my f'ing mind would shut off at 10:30 like it usually does, rather than 3:00 AM like it has been.  This whole 4-5 hours a night deal is not cutting it, and I can feel my optimism leeching away.  I also have to give a few massages at the clinic in the AM, aiee... kay, that's all.

By the way, and totally unrelated: being a crab fisher would be the gnarliest job.  I wish I could try it, or that women would even be considered for employment for it, just so I could see what one of the most deadly occupations is like.  Though considering they sometimes go 48+ hours without sleep and I'm wanking about my own amount, maybe it wouldn't be the wisest career choice.  But yeah, I've been watching a bit of Deadliest Catch on Discovery, obviously.

I feel like biting someone.  Is that odd?  Good.  Raaaawr.

Strength

And from the ashes of an ungainly death

soars the whispered scream of Valor,

head thrown back and a smile on her lips,

knowing herself as her own salvor.

--Just a verse that I just wrote that's applicable.

-------------------------------------------------

And separately, a few lines I've enjoyed and appreciated:

I will not easily forget

The life that stirs in my soul,

Hidden amidst Death,

That infinite Life.

I hear you in the thunder,

A simple tune,

A tune to which I will arise.

And in that storm of happiness,

As your music plays in your mind,

The whole wide world

Dances to your rhythm.

               --Gary Schyman, translation of "Praan"

Power of the chipmunk!

Firstly: Watch the video at the end of this blog. This guy was sponsored by Stride Gum to travel the world and dance in every country he went to. It's so inspirational though, somehow... I love it!

I helped perform a necropsy today on my ex-boss's Collie. I took my cat Champagne in to the vet because she's been ill, only to find that my ex-boss's dog was on the table, dying. In a big way, I'm very glad I was there at that moment. My boss saw me and just fell into my arms and fell to pieces. I've never seen someone more upset over a death, and that includes human deaths. After she'd been assisted home by a co-worker, it was just myself, one technician, and another doctor there. Needless to say, somehow I ended up in scrubs helping to crack open a rib cage to run an autopsy on the lungs. Can we say: Holy shit! It's not the first necropsy I've done, but it was definitely the most thorough one I've been a part of.

I had my surgery for the removal of my wisdom teeth on Tuesday. When I got there all of the electricity was off due to the fire, but was told that it wasn't a problem once power came back on. Instead of a general anesthetic I received deep sedation, which turned out to be fine despite my initial apprehension. I'm so used to monitoring animals under anesthesia and sedation, not being on the receiving end. I woke up to extreme pain at two points, then was injected down again. I woke up again to see suture material in front of my face that I recognized as chromic gut, often used for dental procedures. In my half wakeful state I began to excitedly exclaim that I KNEW what that was! Of course, I forgot that my mouth was gagged open, and that I probably had blood pooling in my mouth. So it sounded something like, "OHAHYOWHAATIH!" They shut me up with another injection, strangely enough.

Anyway, since then, very minor repercussions. Some swelling a couple of days after, but I've only been sore, no extreme pain present. Made a trip out to Blockbuster and rented seven movies that I've been making my way through. So when my kettlebells finally came in the mail, it was with great disgruntlement that I had to let them sit by the couch I'd set up camp on. I gave many a longing look from behind ice-packed cheeks. Although I must admit, when a host of cousins came into town last night, I couldn't help but show them a thing or two, and make them attempt the hack squat. Shhh...

By the way, I love people. And they piss me off to an inconceivable degree. I'm beginning to wonder if the only true form of love is between family members, and if everything else isn't just a means of using each other. Do people just use each other until they're of no use anymore? Or they're sucked dry? Maybe I just feel exceedingly bitter. Why is it that when I'm recovering from surgery that instead of wanting to be there for me, I'm expected to be the sounding board for attention grabbers? Why is it NOT fucking okay for me to be weak for a few damn days? I admit, I'm a natural leader, I'm strong, I'm capable, I'm responsible, and I want to take the whole fucking world on. But seriously, when I've had my face opened up and operated on, I think it's okay for me to lower the walls for a minute and hope that people can respect that.

Then why is it that when that happens, no one is there?

Anyways, enough bitching. I'm a tough lady. And I've got some Rock Band to play!

And the video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWUrj22pRD0

Delicious workout

Today I just wanted to do a select few work outs that would just leave me sweating (and panting -- damn the air quality!) My weapons of choice: Barbell deadlifts, dumbbell snatches, Turkish Getups with a dumbbell.

Deadlifts:
3 sets of 10 reps, 135 lbs. for warm up
2 sets of 5 reps 205 lbs.
1 set of 1 rep 225 lbs.

I was up to 265 lbs. before my recent trip to Ireland. However, my first workout back 205 was tough, and it was nothin' today. I know I'll get it back quick -- I plan on breaking 300 in the next couple of months. I will watch the movie to celebrate when the time comes. :)

Snatches:
3 sets of 8 reps, 25 lbs.
2 sets of 5 reps, 32.5 lbs.
2 sets of 5 reps, 40 lbs.

I was struggling a little to keep my core solid by the end of these, but I felt pretty good about my form overall.

Turkish getups (sort of beat by this point):

4 sets, starting from the floor, 27.5 lbs.

Did my job today! Just a few methods, but a delicious result. The lights kept flickering in the gym because of the smoke from the fire. I powered through each rep though and didn't stop to gawk like most everyone else... it's nice to make yourself seem such a bad-ass! Mwahaha.

I had a lot of interesting speculations that I was pondering earlier, but my brain power is nil after that workout. But, I do want a motorcycle. And a rock climbing teacher/buddy. And a spiritual Teacher. I need to get on those things.

Welcome, me

Well, all I really have to say right now is that my ass, hamstrings and adductors are sore as hell from Russian Kettlebell class yesterday. Which you shouldn't mistake as a complaint, because it's fucking great. Just bought my own pair, and I'm determined to really own this. I've made immense changes to my physique in the last couple of years, and I'm ready to get exactly to where I want to be.

On another note: People get so comfortable in their space, and don't seem to realize that there's so much more beyond their daily routine. Is that me being too uncomfortable with the idea of settling down, or is it truly an issue of others? More importantly, I guess that doesn't really need an objective answer, just my own.