Hello, hello, dear friends and distant bloggers of the world. It's been quite some time since I've shared a word; about ten months, it appears. Why have I been so remiss in keeping my blog up to date?
I could say it's because life has been incredibly full (it has); that I've been busy planning for Doug's and my wedding that is to be in just under 3 months (which I have); that I've had enough going on that I haven't had the time to sort my thoughts and sit with them long enough to write them down (somewhat true); or that training, while still very important to me, has taken a place on the back-burner a couple of times to make space for huge life-altering events (true, too).
All of these things are very true, and they are all valid reasons that I could back up. But I won't. What's the point? I don't like making excuses; it always feels a bit like I'm short-changing the truth. That's not to say that I never do, unfortunately, but... why do it here?
Words are wind. Words are precious. Words are twisted and beautiful and slimy and stunning and weak and powerful. Words are our means of conveying a world of delicate emotion, deep truth, subtle subjectivity. And I, in the midst of so many HUGE events and life-changes, have been remiss in translating the background music that is ever-present during this tremendous dance.
So there is that. This is now:
Wow. I am getting married in 75 days, to an incredible man that supports, loves, and cherishes me in ways that I had only fathomed were possible for myself before him. Am I incredibly excited? Hell yes. Am I a little bit scared? Oh yes. Not for the reasons you might be thinking, though. Before now, the idea of permanence in my life was dedicated solely to those people and matters that are involuntarily assigned to you when you enter this world -- family, for instance. Thankfully, I utterly adore my family, and count them among my greatest blessings in my existence. But I choose Doug. I am choosing to be with him throughout all the days of my life, and I am a little bit scared of the fact that I am woman who is not completely clear on the stuff I'm actually made of.
But, then again: isn't that part of the journey? You find someone who's very good at supporting you while you try to find that secret part of yourself that has all the answers, and knows exactly what your life is and should be. More than that though, you find someone who inspires you to never stop looking for it, and who you will help on that journey every day of your, and their, life.
What a profoundly powerful thing to find... and I am humbled all the time by Doug's love, support and patience with me as I stumble when I'm not doing such a great job at flying.
This being a training blog as well, I will share about my journey in that realm.
I still love lifting heavy things up and putting them back down again. As I said above, it has taken second lately, and that speaks to where my heart and energy have been. I have not been striving for any PRs or tremendous feats of strength; but I lift heavy things up and put them back down again, and I enjoy it. I am surrounded by strongwomen and strongmen who are propelling forward into new territories of incredible strength that require extraordinary focus, diligence, and supreme discipline to achieve, and it is IMMEASURABLY inspiring and impressive. As I have shared in none of these qualities lately, I have not shared in the goal-shattering feats. And this, I have taken to heart.
This has been an immensely important lesson for me. Normally, I will try anything once, but if I am not great at it naturally, I tend to want to drop it and move on to something I am good at. Because of this, I have no completed the Iron Maiden Challenge like I set out to do, and, if I'm being honest, I'm a long way off from it. Why? Because these things aren't my strong suit, and because of it, I haven't been training them as I should. I was born with a strong posterior chain, so I LOVE to deadlift, and I even like swings (heavy ones, that is). I have always been a poor presser, and so I don't press more than a couple times a week -- and guess what? My press is still poor. And when I see others succeeding immensely at what I don't excel naturally in, I feel further unmotivated to be better at it because it doesn't come effortlessly to me.
It's a quitter's attitude, and it fucking sucks. (Whew -- that took a bit of effort to write. Ugly weaknesses are... ugly.)
I have learned SO much from the RKC community, about training, proper movement, rehabilitation, health, attitude and heart. However, some of the greatest lessons I have learned are these: I know next to nothing compared to the many wiser, more experienced individuals that our community consists of; I am not even half as strong as many of the men and women who are my friends, are; I have a lot to learn about mental fortitude and the limitations I can take my body to;
and--above all else--this is absolutely OKAY, so long as the acknowledgement of these things isn't the end of the journey.
Life is a blessedly organic continuum of events, matters, things, people, choices; there are hundreds of thousands of tendrils sprouting from each person's being, branches upon branches bursting from the trunk of a life that has seen countless possibilities come and go. Many of these branches are truncated, because we choose not to nurture them with our energy. Sometimes this is a good thing; we all know there are poisonous situations in our lives that are best unexplored, or best cut loose. There are so many times though where we could create something truly beautiful, something exquisite and uniquely us, if we had only given a little more and tried a bit harder to go beyond what was comfortable.
Nothing grows without sustenance, and nobody's nurturing will be as appropriate for your needs as your own.
And so, here I am. I look at the title of my blog and have to smile, because I know I must have named it thus with a deep, subconscious understanding of my ironic pitfalls.
And so, as I feel myself blooming and exploding forth into new, uncharted territories, with a myriad of options, adventures, fears, hopes, tribulations, successes, all laying quietly quivering with unexplored potential, I find myself turning towards those stunted, stagnated stumps that I have fearfully abandoned before, and feel myself giving to them in a way that I hadn't ever done before. It will not be an effortless thing, giving of myself to these things I've long neglected, nor will it be without its bumps -- but here is my intent, spoken in a time of great change and great opportunity.
And truly, what better time is there than now?
(I want to thank Katherine C., who wrote me an email without having ever met me or knowing me and inspired me to write again and get my ass in gear.)
