for Love

Why do we do what we do?

What is the most just and justifiable way to live one's life?

For one's self. By fulfilling that burning need to live as one's heart demands. By living fully; living without regrets; living compassionately and passionately; living with strength, with loyalty, with faith, with honor; living consciously, appreciatively, as though each moment were the last; living beyond just your comforts, and embracing the world. We fulfill what we want fulfilled, and for those of us who look for more, we never stop searching. I've seen people justify their life by another person, or other people; I've seen people say their professions are their life; I've seen people say they live for their family; for their dreams; for their future. And I've known all of the happy people in my life and in history say at some point that they live for pure Love.

How much does love matter?

I am strong. I hope to lead a life where I take full advantage of that strength. I foresee myself in very trying situations, physically, mentally, emotionally. Within the next two years, I see myself spending a solid amount of time in an orphanage in Uganda or Tibet; I see myself moving to a new city on my own, without anybody to depend on but myself; I see myself continuing to strive towards my fitness goals; I see myself changing my mind a thousand times about what I want to do with this life that I have; I see my heart breaking, and I see myself keeping it open, keeping it from thickening, because my heart is what I am -- it's who I am. It's all I've actually got. And within the next several years, I foresee myself becoming an accomplished physician, or an accomplished writer, or an accomplished... something that helps people.

The truth is, ladies and gentlemen, that despite my great aspirations to be a typhoon-force in my lifetime, and despite my heroic shows of prowess and strength and confidence, I'm afraid.

Yes, yes. The great confession. I know all that I can be, all that I want to be. I know that I can face the world and take it on without anyone else to back me up. And the truth is, despite knowing this, I am afraid.

Now normally, I might want someone to be there for me. I might want someone to tell me, "Laura, it's going to fine." The truth is, I know this. I know I am afraid, and I know that that's perfect. I know that I feel more isolated the more people there are around me, and that's because I long for something more that is not present in my life. And the truth is, as much as I would love to have someone love and appreciate me for who and what I am, and not just what I can provide for them, I am not ready for it. I am afraid.

In a white-tiled bathroom, my face is pale and drawn in a single lamp's light. I look into my own eyes and know: I am truly alone. Not for lack of others loving me or caring for me, but because I am truly alone on this path. My lifestyle to come may be very trying, and I am prepared to live my life as a tool to create a more fulfilled future for many beyond myself while taking enjoyment from it. I would truly love to have a counterpart that feeds me in a limitless, soulful way, and I for him/her, a companion to share this incredible journey that is life. I also foresee that maybe I will be alone. That maybe no one will ever quite be fulfilled by me on a soulful level. That I can draw love from strong friendships and eternal family. I begin to think that the love that I imagine can exist between two people is but a lovely idea. Perhaps there is but fulfilling the other person's criteria, and viola: Love. Honestly, I don't believe that, though. I'm sure it's out there for the lucky couples that find it, and I bless them for it. It's strange... being alone, without being tied to someone intimately, I've felt love for another in a purer form than ever I have before in my life, and now I struggle between my appreciation for it and my desiring of it. I've teetered dangerously close to grasping too forcefully and nearly losing it. I treasure it above so much else, and appreciate its recipient beyond all else. My heart is my own, and I have given it unashamedly to someone who I don't want to expect anything from anymore. I will be content that that part of my heart will be a quiet, often unattended place: I can't control that. But I love with fierceness, and tranquility.

There's no self-pitying bullshit going on here. I do admit, I am afraid, I feel alone, and I am resigned. Life isn't always what I'd hoped it'd be. Maybe I'm an idealist that is just asking to have her ideals shattered. Life is tough. I'm strong, but I'm not always tough. It's time to be tough.

Eternal universe, I am open to you. I relinquish control. I don't want to try and have the right answers; I don't want to try and know what the right thing is anymore. Let my own arms about my body be the only embrace I need, and my own love of life and self be enough. Let each step I take be sure and steady, and may my eyes and mind and heart and spirit be clear and unadultered and ever-expanding. I want to laugh instead of cry, and cry only for the sheer beauty of everything. I am weary of isolated sorrows. I want to fully comprehend that everything is perfect. Everything is perfect. It's just as it needs to be at this moment. And I will inspire the necessary changes.

Here is my declaration to myself, for myself, and whoever reads this thing can be my witness(es):

I need no one but myself. I need no one but myself. I need no one but myself. I need nothing but myself. All the rest must be born from love in its purity, and not from grasping want.

I am so fucking afraid, and all the stronger for acknowledging it and moving towards it. Welcome into my heart, Fear, and know that you have no place here: Love is here, fortified by my awesome strength, and I will accept you and strip you of everything that you are. I imagine my knees and palms will be bloodied by the end of everything, but I also foresee a smile on my face and an inferno of joyous passion in my heart.

So again I ask: Why do we do what we do?

And the simple, pure answer: for Love.