Imbalances: Yin and Yang

The relationship between the body, the mind and the spirit is absolutely astounding. I got a massage yesterday from one of my teachers who is really astute and fantastic at what he does. The other day at massage clinics I was standing outside, waiting for my next client to show up, when Michael -- my teacher -- asked me if I was okay. Well, I had some emotional stuff going on, but was okay. Why did he ask? Because my left shoulder was high. I've recognized this in other people but didn't notice it in myself: my left shoulder was acting to shield my heart. My body was physically responding to my emotions, acting to defend my heart from outside harm. (I'm sitting outside right now on my laptop and am watching a doe walk through the trees in front of me -- awesome.)

During my massage, Michael noted that I'm carrying a lot of tension in my hips, which is usually a physical manifestation of emotions tied to relationships and/or survival instinct. Also, the left side of my body --aside from my shoulder -- is relatively loose, compared to my right side. He said my right side -- shoulder, lower back, glutes, hamstrings, adductors, calf, everything -- was just solid. What's interesting is that the left side of the body is considered to be the yin half -- the female half -- while the right side is the yang, or masculine, side. He asked me, "Are you acting tougher than you really are?"

I guess that's a good way of putting it.

He asked me to really analyze why my body is in the condition it's in, and that's something I've really thought about for the last 24 hours.

I've been suppressing so much stuff, because I've felt that accepting it would be considered weak, and I felt like everyone just wants me to be tough all of the time anyway. What exactly IS "tough"? I feel like "tough" is an act, where you "man up" or "suck it up" and push it back into a recess of your mind that you won't allow to be addressed until it explodes out of you someday. I feel true strength is looking your fear in the face and acknowledging it, and either wrestling with it or thoughtfully letting it go with direct intention. That means crying if you need to, feeling any way you need to feel, and being PRESENT with everything even when it absolutely sucks, or hurts like hell. What genuine, thoughtful person ever thought a man shedding tears is actually weak? Or that a woman is too thin-skinned because she does feel everything so strongly? It's how we handle difficult situations that shows our strength. Do you avoid your fear, immerse yourself in other things to distract yourself, live in a way that isn't true to your soulful intuition? There is no honor, nor strength, in any of that. That is a base form of flight, primal and completely lacking a higher level of personal understanding.

Live with integrity. Live with heart. Know yourself.

This is the 19th anniversary of my sister's death, and now, more than ever, I feel that I am truly honoring and celebrating her life. And missing her more than ever, always.