Bizarre

In Flames is an awesome band. That said, this music video for their song "The Mirror's Truth" is one of the weirdest music videos I've ever seen:



The day was really busy, had an early morning, went to school and gave a couple of massages. All in all though, a great day. I bought a kettlebell last night for my friend who's really wanting to workout more but doesn't have access to workout equipment or the money for it. Oh, and he's become totally obsessed with kettlebells since Tim and I introduced him to it. Can't wait till it gets here and I get to see his reaction! It's sort of a late birthday present. What better gift to give than fitness!

Purty pleased

My feet are filthy, the callouses on my hands are raw, my muscles are sore and tired, and my head is full of stimulating thoughts on academics and excitement for life.

Perfect. =)

Imbalances: Yin and Yang

The relationship between the body, the mind and the spirit is absolutely astounding. I got a massage yesterday from one of my teachers who is really astute and fantastic at what he does. The other day at massage clinics I was standing outside, waiting for my next client to show up, when Michael -- my teacher -- asked me if I was okay. Well, I had some emotional stuff going on, but was okay. Why did he ask? Because my left shoulder was high. I've recognized this in other people but didn't notice it in myself: my left shoulder was acting to shield my heart. My body was physically responding to my emotions, acting to defend my heart from outside harm. (I'm sitting outside right now on my laptop and am watching a doe walk through the trees in front of me -- awesome.)

During my massage, Michael noted that I'm carrying a lot of tension in my hips, which is usually a physical manifestation of emotions tied to relationships and/or survival instinct. Also, the left side of my body --aside from my shoulder -- is relatively loose, compared to my right side. He said my right side -- shoulder, lower back, glutes, hamstrings, adductors, calf, everything -- was just solid. What's interesting is that the left side of the body is considered to be the yin half -- the female half -- while the right side is the yang, or masculine, side. He asked me, "Are you acting tougher than you really are?"

I guess that's a good way of putting it.

He asked me to really analyze why my body is in the condition it's in, and that's something I've really thought about for the last 24 hours.

I've been suppressing so much stuff, because I've felt that accepting it would be considered weak, and I felt like everyone just wants me to be tough all of the time anyway. What exactly IS "tough"? I feel like "tough" is an act, where you "man up" or "suck it up" and push it back into a recess of your mind that you won't allow to be addressed until it explodes out of you someday. I feel true strength is looking your fear in the face and acknowledging it, and either wrestling with it or thoughtfully letting it go with direct intention. That means crying if you need to, feeling any way you need to feel, and being PRESENT with everything even when it absolutely sucks, or hurts like hell. What genuine, thoughtful person ever thought a man shedding tears is actually weak? Or that a woman is too thin-skinned because she does feel everything so strongly? It's how we handle difficult situations that shows our strength. Do you avoid your fear, immerse yourself in other things to distract yourself, live in a way that isn't true to your soulful intuition? There is no honor, nor strength, in any of that. That is a base form of flight, primal and completely lacking a higher level of personal understanding.

Live with integrity. Live with heart. Know yourself.

This is the 19th anniversary of my sister's death, and now, more than ever, I feel that I am truly honoring and celebrating her life. And missing her more than ever, always.

All about strength... except for one strange paragraph

I have been perpetually sore since Sunday -- extreme tastiness. My upper back especially has been totally demolished. I was surprised that my abs weren't more sore after the workout at kettlebell class on Monday -- just some twingy serratus stuff! The body is definitely tired, though I'll probably do another KB workout today.

I'm really pleased with my strength gains, which are most notable in my core, my shoulders and upper back. It's really something else to just feel good almost all of the time, as opposed to the other way around -- I still haven't gotten over that. I hope I never do.

I was hanging out on campus yesterday with a guy friend of mine, and we were comparing obscure muscle composition. I blew him out of the water with legs and abs, he beat me with forearms obviously and one muscle in particular ("That's your jack-off muscle -- unfair advantage!") and barely beat me out on rear-delts. We didn't compare triceps, but I'm pretty sure I would've had him there, too. What hit me then is that I'm really up there with a lot of the boys, and pretty damn strong for a woman. There's a lot more to do, but I allowed myself a moment to pat myself on the back. Leaps and bounds of progress from lots of hard work, frustration, pain, tears, sweat and sometimes blood, but ALWAYS exactly what needs to be done and a journey that will hopefully never end!

Side note: last night my girl friends and I were looking online at different bedroom-appropriate costumes... ahem... and were finding some great stuff before stumbling across man lingerie. Now, don't get me wrong, if they could figure out how to make really sexy man lingerie, I'd say GO FOR IT! Maybe they have, and I just haven't seen it. But a man-thong with a fuzzy elephant head and trunk placed over the junk is just not my idea of sexy, for some odd reason. Admittedly, I'd probably have a very memorable laugh if I was confronted with one. I'd totally post the picture of it if I wasn't at school right now. Bummer, huh?

Anyway, back to the point for a minute. I think what people tend to disregard when they consider getting into better physical shape is that not only will they look and feel better about themselves, but their entire mentality will be more positive, especially when you're eating healthy and giving your body exactly what it needs. When people are in-tune with their body and really get it, they understand that it's more than just an art of sculpting one's body -- it's also an exercise for one's mind and mental strength. Somehow, it can even become a spiritual practice. Our body is our haven that harbors the essence of what we are, and if we don't care for it everything else starts to lose structural integrity, too. Who and what we are is all conjoined in some perfect balance that I hope to figure out to the very core.

What a trip!

(And I'm doing THIS again in the next month or so):

Quiet, quiet...

This has been a lonely sort of week. No family, friends aren't available or are evasive, empty house, and a bunch of homework and real estate people acclaiming the worth of home.

Isolation's nice, but I need time to connect with people, too. I don't like this. I'm trying to be present with it and do my own thing, but after five days it gets almost exhausting. I don't like to think I'm dependent on other people to be happy, but I do know that I crave quality interactions. Anyway, I need to drop down a bit before I give a massage in an hour, shift gears... get over it.


But hey. I guess let's put things in perspective. With spectacular visions of beauty like this in your hometown --


--things can't be too bad.

Where's the bear-skin rug!?

It's been a long, full day, and all I want right now is a e-fucking-normous cup of hot cocoa with gobs of whipped cream, a big sweatshirt, a roaring fireplace, and yes -- a bear-skin rug at my feet. Fake, of course. This is not toooo much to ask for, right? ;)

Woke up at 6 AM after having a gnarly nightmare. I dreamed that I went to visit a friend's dying relative in the hospital -- don't know who the person was, I think it wasn't really anyone I know-- with his little kids. The person in the hospital bed was a very old woman, and very naked. She had some kind of energy coming out of her in a strand, like some kind of sci-fi lifeline, I guess. Everyone is standing around, very somber. Then all of a sudden the lifeline is corrupted by a red energy that shoots into her, and as my friend shouts "NO!" the woman on the bed sits bolt upright, eyes wide open, and screams some otherwordly scream. She then proceeds to dispose of the friend and the two kids in rather gruesome ways, and flees. For some reason I've got a gun, and I riddle her full of holes, but it does nothing and she turns to me and jumps at me -- and then I wake up. AHHH! Where the hell did THAT come from!?! o_O

Anyways, I feel relatively accomplished:
-Went to English class, owned it
-Went to lunch with a friend
-Came back to parents' house, found a photographer here taking pictures for when the house goes on the market. Ended up helping him out for awhile.
-Had a heart-to-heart with myself, straightened some things out
-Worked in the garden
-Gave someone four piercings today
-Went to Rusty's class, awesome times
-Rushed home to show around prospective buyers of parents' house
-Laughed at McCain's acceptance speech while cooking dinner

I guess that's really all. I'm getting my hair re-dyed tomorrow, and I'm not sure if I want to do black and purple again or black and dark blue. Hmm... oh, the dilemmas of life! Life's rough.

Phew.

Ahhh, so much to do, so much to work on, so much to improve! This is the way of things. To reach one's fullest potential, there is no ceasing. That doesn't mean don't have a good time -- just don't stagnate. Never stagnate! Except for Winston. He lives in perpetual stagnation and gets away with it. He can drive a car while stagnating:Hmm...

Well, getting off topic. Life is a ceaseless journey of self-exploration, self-awareness and self-improvement, all so we can live life as fully for ourselves and others as is possible. And I do mean for others AND for ourselves -- both are important.

I'm am nearing the point of bumping into Procrastination -- someone whom I've avoided quite well so far. Ta-ta for now, have a lovely evening!